How to Watch Porn in India

Public Service Announcement: This is an emergency advice column for Karnataka state legislators involved in the so-called #porngate scandal.

I know, I know… sometimes a boy needs his, er, supplemental stimulus.  But you live in a neo-Puritan society.   So:

1. First things first: Look over your shoulder to see if any television cameras are behind you. Scope out the ceiling, too. No need to be paranoid, but if that lady in the painting on your wall seems to be looking right at you, maybe she is. So check out her backside. You’re a voyeur, not an exhibitionist, right? Right??

2. Don’t settle for less. It’s the 2010s, for goodness’ sake. Globalization has arrived, and with it, quality. Why bother with grainy footage of grungy firangs at raves? That’s like watching bootlegged Betamax quality porn shot in the suburbs of Houston with 1970s hair. Eww. Instead, send your driver to get quality Bangkok or Mal-Kerala flicks from your local DVD-wallah’s not-so-secret stash.

3. Mobile phone videos are crap. Why do you think the Japanese invented 40-inch screens that can be mounted on the ceiling above your bed? Invest in an HDTV and order some of those blue films via satellite. Then lie back, relax, and enjoy the show. Just make sure the carpenter screws everything in nice and tight. Nothing ruins a good wank like a large appliance falling on your, er, head.

4. Learn about consent. Rape isn’t sex, any more than a laddoo is a vada. So know the difference. There’s a big difference between rape for the camera, and consensual well-acted sex for the camera. Become a discerning connoisseur. Plus, hey, actual sex between consenting adults is still legal! At least in some places. Unless you made it illegal.

4a: Try not to make sex illegal. Especially not the kind you like to wank to.

5. Branch out. Don’t get stuck in a rut of watching skinny trafficked underage girls getting raped by johns. (See #4.) Check out the women who are in charge of their own porn careers; now that’s hot. Look at feminist porn, gay porn, and other sex-radical empowerment-oriented porn. Some of it is fantastic. You’ll be way ahead of the curve, so you can impress your friends by sharing new links with them on their mobile phones.

6. If you want to host a viewing party, do it in the privacy of your home. (Three guys huddled over a phone in a legislative chamber is always a sign of something going on.) For bonus party points, order in some pakoras, popcorn, and Pabst.

What’s Pabst? It’s imported. Tastes like urine. You’re into golden showers, right?

No? Wait, then why did you act like you wanted the whole world to piss on you?

I’m so confused.

Not like this.

*

Lusting for more? See my #porngate article on Firstpost: The Dirty Picture: How not to be a sex hypocrite.

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